THE ROLLER COASTER OF RE-MEMBERING and FORGETTING
You’d think that if I was this in love, I’d have rainbows coming out of ‘you know where’ all the time, but alas, that is not so. I think my sweetie would say the same.
Adam and I have been together for over 3 years now, and the deeper we dive, the more of the old me I am being asked to relinquish into the void. In fact, I would say that I have mourned the old me and all the dreams that came along with her identities in away I never expected. Sometimes I wonder that if someone had told me how painful much of this journey is, I might not have gone on it. Yet, I know that’s not true. I love love too much.
Here’s a recent example of the craziness of the roller coaster.
Just recently Adam has been in demand, so visible to the world and his genius (and he is genius) is being recognized. I am so excited and incredibly thrilled. I also had no idea that as he gained confidence and certainty about who he is in the world, all of the identities that danced with his ‘less than’ self within me, had to leave. I’m being called to be more, live more, love more as he is. Some of those identities include:
- Looking like I knew what I was doing
- Carrying the finances, like the boss
- Trying to be insightful about our awakening together
Ya, none of those can stay. I don’t even want to talk about sex. Ugh.
The incredible vulnerability that ensued was overwhelming.
The dreams that came along with those identities were also up for question. Dreams like staying in control in even the littlest tiniest way (not a chance), being able to predict our financial outcomes based on ‘Jennifer by herself’ thinking (no way), and finally my favourite, maintaining at least a little bit of having more wisdom.
Naked is exactly how I felt. Sad too. Sad because I saw that the dreams that I was mourning were dreams that my greatest self really didn’t want anyhow. I wasted so much time. My greatest self wanted the connection and love that is constantly and blessedly unfolding between us. It always has wanted that. Nobody told me I had to empty out my soul, stand naked in the cold, while crickets chirped to the sound of my ego’s rantings. Sheesh.
So if you’ve made it this far, maybe you’ve felt that “who am I anyhow” feeling within yourself. I think I feel it weekly. It gets easier for me as I realize that who I truly am is so expansive, creative and filled with love that I really wouldn’t want it any other way. I must say though that while parts of me are dying off, it sure doesn’t feel very funny. I cry, I yell, and throw a fit.
It’s all part of my own awakening. I feel very blessed that I have dear friends to share this crazy journey with, that my parents (also a relationship I’ve had to mourn to fall in love with them anew) are such love bugs, that Adam is absolutely my best friend walking side by side with me and that now I also have you. I know we are all in this together. If anyone gets how crazy and lonely it can be when we’re in the middle of it, it’s me. And I and you and we are not alone………..sometimes I just have to say that over and over until I remember again.
The old ivory tower trick..gets us all the time lol but at least we can laugh and cry and laugh about it all.. that is bliss .Is it not lol so glad for your authenticity. . Refreshing to be publicly naked.. A while back I broke one of my thou shall nots.. I was so horrified, shame ..all kinds of regurgitation. .lol Then the light went off.. all things must pass even those self imposed vows. .which are judgements none the less.. would I do it again. .no .. well if there was a need …maybe☺Reply