Today I would like to share with you a small piece of my story.
On November 7th 2016, I lost my mom. I have had other loved ones pass away including my dear dad but on Nov 7th, I lost my mom!
This experience is not like all other losses and grief I have experienced before.
It is a tear down of the woman that I am. It is like a birth, a violent and painful one, it is like a divorce, it is like metamorphoses without having enough time to go through all the stages, it is like watching everything happen but feeling I am only an observer and removed from reality. It is like feeling like a stranger in my own home. It is devastating, eye opening and disappointing. It is realizing that I am a new version of me, one that I do not know well.
It has challenged all the beliefs and ideas and priorities I had before.
The trauma and the grief are two separate entities, ebbing and flowing through my body.
My community has changed.
I have been beautifully surprised by some people who reached out and held this with me and some of my closest friends and family were not at all there. Once again I am reminded that expectations are useless things to have.
I have learnt that I too, need to examine what kind of friend and family do I want to be. Who and what is priority.
I have learnt that we do not get used to this and time does not “heal all” and that somehow there is an expectation to “recover” or to be distracted. This experience changed me and it is not a disease and so there is no recovery or getting used to or healing. It is just about learning to be this new person in a good way.
I have been reminded that I have a handful but solid connection to a select few people who lift my spirit and I am so grateful.
I have really understood that you never know what will happen next so choose and select carefully and wisely. Live and express fully.
I have learnt that I need to really feel everything this time and sit with this.
I have learnt that no one really knows but a lot of people will offer insight.
There is so much to say and so hard to say it, but I wanted to share what I could, in case someone out there may resonate.
I want to say to those of you who are going through a similar journey; I see you, one step at a time and remember to breathe.
Thank you for listening.